E PLURIBUS MORON

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The Nuclear Option

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Good news everyone! Even though partisan rancor is at levels unseen since the height of the Vietnam War, the Department of Energy has ruled out nuking ourselves. This sounds like progress to me: it turns out as a nation we’re neither as depressed nor aware of our foolish addiction to petroleum as I thought we were.

This plan to instantly destroy all life in our country came about as a way to end the Gulf Oil spill (or our plan to slowly and painfully destory all life in our country); you see, perhaps because of the popularity of Mad Men, or perhaps because we have completely run out of ideas for how to stop this horrible oil spill, people were legitimately looking into the Soviet practice from the 1960’s where they capped oil spills by nuking the site. Chatter about this idea got so loud that an official from the Dept. of Energy felt compelled to tell the New York Times  that “The nuclear option was not — and never had been — on the table”.

But let’s face it: America has nuked itself plenty of times before when testing nuclear weapons, so why not now? Four words: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You know those wimpy little sea turtles that everyone is so upset about dying from that oil? Well imagine them full of environmentally friendly rage and mutated by the gamma rays of a nuclear bomb! It’s good to see the Obama administration recognizing a threat early on and taking decisive action.

~Sigh~ Glenn Beck and I miss the simpler days of the 1960’s when you could just nuke your problems away….

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

June 3, 2010 at 10:58 am

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