E PLURIBUS MORON

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Help our Troops: Rent a Gay Hooker

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The Obama Administration’s recent announcement that it supports a Congressional compromise to end Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has sent Christian conservatives into a big gay tizzy. Those drama queens!

The child-molester looking fellow pictured above is the Family Research Council’s Peter Sprigg, and he has conducted a study which shows that ending DADT will lead to mass amounts of same-sex sexual assault in the military. Sprigg claims that gays in the military “are about 3 times as likely to commit sexual assaults as heterosexuals are.” Now, since we know that whenever institutions end their bans on gays serving openly, everyone will rape the shit out of each other, we have to keep DADT. I can attest first hand to how sound his logic is: you should have seen the mess when my boss instituted Casual Friday…

Wait a minute though: Sprigg works for the Family Research Council? I seem to recall something about them in the news lately…oh that’s right! The organization’s founder George Rekers had to step down after he was busted for going on vacation with a gay prostitute! I suppose then what Sprigg is suggesting is that instead of ending this discriminatory policy, we follow the example of Dr. Rekers and hire hundreds of gay prostitutes to service our men and women in uniform. Sapped of their innate gay rapey-ness, they could then focus on killing Al Qaeda.

Why does Sprigg hate gays so much? Is it because his last name is the gayest unit of measurement after “scosche”? Maybe we should just trust that a man who has spent so much time assaulting reason, civility and morality knows a thing or two about other forms of assault.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 27, 2010 at 2:19 pm

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