E PLURIBUS MORON

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The Hot Dog’s Apollo Mission

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Each year, 13 children in the United States choke to death on hot dogs: that’s more than those who die by hot-air balooning accidents, antique torpedos explosions, rabid koi attacks and hovercraft-related infections combined. But one brave man, Eugene G. Gagliardi has recently unveiled his new hot-dog prototype that will prevent this senseless tragedy from occuring again.

As you may have heard, the American Academy of Pediatrics released a study earlier this year calling for warning labels on all hotdog packaging and a redesign of the product as a whole to prevent hot dog related choking deaths in children. Gagliardi, who invented “Steak-Umms and Popcorn Chicken” (I though Da Vinci did that…), has patented a hotdog with “eight slits that open during cooking, which cause it to break up into smaller pieces, potentially reducing the likelihood that a child could choke on it.”

So does everyone now see why the Space Program was not a waste of money? Like the rockets intentionally break up and lose spent fuel parts as they blast off into orbit, this hot dog will keep your dumbass kid from choking to death on the food you probably should have just cut up for them. Take that Russia! Who cares if Americans go to bizarre and ridiculous lengths to protect their children from imaginary dangers, we still beat you to the moon and we’re decades ahead of you in sausage technology.

U.S.A! U.S.A!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 26, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Posted in Food

Tagged with , ,

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