E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Let’s just use washed-up actors to plug oil leaks

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When the Deepwater Horizon oil well exploded on April 22nd, 2010, I think we all expected an aging, botoxed former celebrity to come to rescue our nation from a massive environmental catastrophe.

According the a press release from his company, none other than Kevin Costner has poured millions of dollars of his own fortune (all that Tin Cup money) into a creating machines which can clean up large amounts of polluted water. These contraptions act as “giant vacuum cleaners” that suck up dirty water and “after centrifuging the mix, (only) clean water and oily suds remain.” Costner has deployed six of these machines that “can clean up to 200 gallons per minute”; that means it should on take 500,000 years to clean the whole Gulf of Mexico, or about the length of time it feels to sit through the average Kevin Costner clunker.

Now you’re probably asking yourself “What the heck does Kevin Costner know about fixing an environmental disaster? He’s no genius; I mean he’s certainly not Leonardo DiCaprio…” Um, hello! Remember a little film called Waterworld??? If you’ve seen the film recently (and who hasn’t) you’d know Costner has gills and a mean right hook, making him king of the seas.

So America, short of BP knowing what’s it’s doing and us ending our addiction to oil, or getting Sean Penn to wander around the ocean floor with a shotgun, Kevin Costner’s army of underwater robots is our nation’s last best hope. How many times have I said that today…

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 24, 2010 at 1:11 pm

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