E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Friday’s obligatory Justin Bieber post

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Remember when William Randolph Hearst made the U.S declare war on Spain just so he could sell more newspapers? Well, as we discussed earlier this week, it seems as though Justin Bieber’s amazing and breathtakingly non-rational popularity (again despite not being a terribly successful recording artist) has clearly made him the new U.S.S Maine.

As the New York Times Style section reported thursday, teenage boys across the country are trying to get Justin Bieber’s signature helmet of adorable hair. Teens are apparently spending up to $175 for chemical hair relaxing and haircuts so that they can look like the tween sensation. Tommy Ledger, a Canadian boy who got his hair styled like Bieber’s, told the Times “Girls always play with it in class…It’s kind of frustrating sometimes. I’m trying to skateboard and they want to touch my hair.” Ugh it’s hard to be so dreamy, isn’t it?

Stylist Cozy Friedman (Cozy? What the fuck is her sister named, Quaint?) told the Times that because the style’s bangs are so long, they often cover boys eyes and require constant sexually-charged hair flipping. This to me seems tremendously dangerous in a High School setting–how is the teacher supposed to tell if the boy flipping his hair every 5 seconds wants to look like Justin Bieber or is tweeking out on Adderall? Oh, won’t someone please think of the children!

So to recap: Justin Bieber’s haircut caused the Spanish-American war and is endangering the lives of our pill popping youth. It’s all pretty stupid to me. You know what you can do with $175 besides look like Justin Bieber? Get four sessions with an adolescent therapist.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 7, 2010 at 10:35 am

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