E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Those Phucking Phillies Phans

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While I couldn’t give two shits about baseball, I do love my home city of Philadelphia, and so I feel that it is perfect then that EPM‘s first sports post focus on Philly’s famous fans.

Philly has someone wonderfully quaint sports fan moments, like when fans threw D-batteries at the St. Louis Cardinals, pelted Santa Claus with snow balls and booed a transplant recipient, but the two following incidents, which occured recently and within three weeks of each other, fill my Philadelphian heart with warmth. Or maybe that’s a Cheez-Whiz induced heart attack- we can’t know for sure.

Just this past Monday a mild mannered 17-year-old year old Phillies fan got onto the field during a game and decided to go for a little stroll. He was then tasered. Some people have accused the park’s security of going to far with the use of a stun gun, but I say it was proportional. Have you spent time with a 17-year-old lately? A taser is deeply necessary. Why have I been spending time with 17 year olds you ask? Because shut the fuck up that’s why.

Our next story makes me even proud of the 215. A 21-year-old man from just across the river in New Jersey was arrested for intentionally making himself vomit on an 11 year old girl. This dignified gentleman (returning from his Philosophy salon no doubt) got in a drunken argument with the girl’s father at a Phillies game, and then allegedly stuck his fingers down his throat and puked on the girl. Who says people from New Jersey have no class? Send this guy to Trenton! He can’t be any more disgusting than the current governor.

Truly, had they had the chance, think of all the wonderful things Philadelphians might have done had they had the chance to heckle and harass the signers of the Declaration of Independence. ~Sigh~

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 6, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Posted in Sports

Tagged with , , ,

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