E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

It’s more than a crack house, it’s a crack home

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Remember when you visited colleges, and as they walked backwards how the tour guides told you about the school’s many specialized houses? You know the French House, the Vegan House, the Pan-Asian House. Well one school, the prestigious Reed College in Portland, OR, is being accused of turning the whole school into a very specialized community: a Crack House!

Taking a break from his usual bike lane citations and closing bootleg micro breweries, U.S Attorney for the Portland area Dwight Horton has threatened to prosecute Reed President Colin Diver under federal crack house statutes because of the drug use at the college.

Removing drugs from this type of institution is very controversial, as I can attest from my days at Vassar College how drug use at Liberal Arts college is the only thing keeping people from realizing how worthless a degree in ‘Post-modern Feminist geographies’ truly is.

The sad recent growth in heroin use at the school led Horton to send undercover cops to the ‘Renn Fayre’, the school’s annual spring festival. On the one hand, this is a clever idea: ironic hipster mustaches and non-ironic Dennis Franz cop mustaches are nearly identical. On the other hand, the narcs were wasting their time. It doesn’t a top detective to figure out that people laughing hysterically about a leaf are on LSD, nor is it hard to figure out the girl who “just wants to hug EVERYONE” is on E. All in all it seems like a giant waste of the police’s time and resources.

So can you really prosecute a college for being filled with drugs? To me that’s as dumb and wasteful as prosecuting a beehive for being full of honey or Mischa Barton for being full of, well, drugs. Some products are just integral to the functioning of different institutions, and thus to prosecute this institution under crackhouse statutes is a gross misunderstanding why those laws were created and indeed how cool Reed College actually is.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

May 6, 2010 at 11:18 am

Posted in Law and Crime

Tagged with , ,

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