E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Gov. Rick Perry–please make love to me

with 4 comments

Have you ever fantasized about a rugged cowboy just grabbing you with his rough sinewy hands and having his way with you? Does this fantasy also involve a labrador retriever puppy, hollow tipped bullets and a dead coyote? Well then secession happy Texas governor Rick Perry is clearly your kind of man.

Yesterday the governor/cowboy/sexpot was out for a jog with his daughter’s new puppy (awwwww) when a menacing coyote lept out from the brush threatening them with attack (heavens no!). But Perry, that manly man he is (~sigh~) pulled out his fucking laser guided pistol and killed the coyote with one shot (ugh I am so hot for him right now!). In an interview afterwards, Perry told reporters that he often goes jogging with a pistol loaded with hollow tipped bullets, adding “Don’t attack my dog or you might get shot … if you’re a coyote” (If you’re a human thought, Perry noted, go right ahead. Here’s a shovel and a can of mace. Go nuts).

Nothing would make me feel more safe and warm than knowing my governor can kill a canid that’s slightly smaller than a regular dog. Also, how intellectually rewarding is it to know that the governor, were he to trip and fall while jogging could, like Plaxico Burress, blow off his own leg? Or his nutsack? Thank god for the extra accuracy of that gun’s lazer!

So whether you find this story arousing or pragmatic, I think we can all agree in an age of weak leadership it’s good to know some governors are still burly, brilliant and unneccesarily well armed men.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

April 28, 2010 at 3:51 pm

4 Responses

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  1. If you haven’t been jogging with a shotgun, you are not only missing valuable calorie burning/strength conditioning opportunities, but you are also letting the terrorists win.

    Leah

    April 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

  2. […] has issues with an overly aggressive police system or that they condone violence against animals (their governor did shoot a coyote), but this controversy doesn’t seem to […]

  3. […] last night was the first Republican Presidential Debate where the front runner and coyote-scourge Rick Perry participated. And boy was he a popular target! Brian Williams of the LAMESTREAM MEDIA […]

  4. […] Perry is a man of action. Well he only actually gets stuff done if it invovles murdering coyotes. But still, he is a man of action! That’s why he recently announced his radical governmental […]


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