E PLURIBUS MORON

Keep your government hands off my medicare!

Depressive cat burglars can’t do anything right

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Where’s Batman when you need him? Probably in that big fruity mansion with his twink of a partner Robin.

Anyway, on March 16th brazen burglars stole up to $75,000,000 in Eli Lilly brand prescription medication. What did they steal exactly? Well while most people would have gone straight for the stimulants, the tranquilizers or the pain pills, these pusillanimous pilferers went directly for the anti-depressants, which to me seems either like a hugely stupid mistake.

I mean come on, anti-depressants are about the only widely available prescription drug that people don’t recreationally abuse. Where is the thrill in stealing from people who already think that they suck? That’s why last year those teenage Hollywood burglars broke into Audrina Patridge’s house and not her Hills costar Lo Bosworths’s place- even thieves don’t kick people when they’re down/barely famous.

The other explanation here, of course, is that the burglars themselves were so insanely depressed that they need 75 million dollars in stolen wellbutrin. One wonders if they didn’t break into the warehouse, see all the good drugs and say “Oh dear, I’m not talented enough thief to ~sob~ steal the good drugs ~weeps uncontrollably while stuffing dufflebag with Lexapro~.”

These stupid stupid people don’t need jaily time! They need hugs.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 17, 2010 at 2:25 pm

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