E PLURIBUS MORON

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Fattest mom! Fattest mom! U.S.A! U.S.A!

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Okay I am gonna try to report this story without getting a boner.

Donna Simpson, who currently weighs a staggering 600 lbs, is attempting to become the world’s fattest woman. Wow. Who says the American spirit is down and depressed? This woman is an intrepid explorer of worlds unknown and a brilliant American hero, not unlike Lewis and Clark, who incidentally could have used her as a barge on their voyage up the Missouri river.

Ms. Simpson already holds the title of “World’s Fattest Mom” but has her massively bloated and failing heart set on hitting that all important 1,000 lbs mark. In addition, she may indeed become a Jackie Robinson figure of sorts, as she steals the title of “Intentionally Fattest Place west of the Serengeti” from Mississippi and brings it home to her native New Jersey.

Ummm, does this strike anyone as very similar to the Simpsons’ episode “King Size Homer” where Homer tries to hit 300 lbs? Whether the idea was original or not I think is inconsequential, and we as Americans must do all we can to help our nation stay #1 at everything. Perhaps the scene below, where Homer and Bart go to consult Dr. Nick’s opinion on how to gain weight, will be of help to Ms. Simpson. God speed to you and god bless America.

Dr. Nick: Hi everybody!

Homer+Bart: Hi Doctor Nick!

Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweighted individuals like yourself.  I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.

Homer: [pensive] Of course.

Nick: [points to a chart] You’ll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!

Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?

Nick: Well…be creative.  Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use poptarts.  Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon,heh…

Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!

Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper.  If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain.  Bye bye, everybody!

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 15, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Posted in Health and science

Tagged with ,

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