E PLURIBUS MORON

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I can’t believe this man was charged with Securities & Exchange Fraud

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Sean David Morton, pictured in a formal portrait above, was charged today with Securities and Exchange Fraud after convincing investors that he could use his psychic powers to play the stock market. Wow. Nancy Reagan is gonna be PISSED.

Some how Morton managed to bilk six million dollars out of over 100 investors, and I think I understand why. Instead of a parrot on his shoulder like some sissy Pirate, he used his terrifying mental powers to train a cat! Do you know how hard it is to train cats to do anything? That alone I feel is enough to trust this man with your life savings.

Now Morton, who liked to be called “America’s Prophet”, probably didn’t break the law by convincing people his psychic cat-training abilities would help him manipulate the DOW Jones. However, Morton did break the law when he allegedly funneled $240,000 to his Prophesy Research Institute. Shit. I knew applying for their Prophesy Associate program was a bad idea.

So please, keep his wise investors and all those in the supernatural investment market in your prayers: this economy has not been kind to them.

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Written by Your Benevolent Editor

March 5, 2010 at 2:29 pm

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