Let me begin this post by saying that yes, it is unfair that female actresses can’t get good roles once they’re no longer hot. But in a way that lack of roles does weed out those moderately talented actresses who are only successful because of their looks. Is Cameron Diaz prettier than Maggie Smith? Yes. Would Ms. Diaz make a good Dowager Countess in 25 years? Oh my lord no.

That’s why I’ve always found Demi Moore so sad. Clinging to shreds of relevancy and early 90s hotness, Moore is a bit like the Dorian Grey of the Kabbalah set (you’ll note that I left out Madonna because she is not technically a human being and therefore does not age like we do). That’s why news of Demi Moore being sent to rehab (or what ever bullshit excuse about “exhaustion” her publicist made up) was so deeply pathetic.

Earlier this week, People Magazine had a somewhat glowing article about Moore’s wild night out, which spoke of Moore as a ”glamorous still-relevant Moore hanging out with her young daughter’s friends” be really should have said ”anorexic has-been ghoul drinks away pain with awful trust fund retards”. Then TMZ reported that Moore was sent to rehab after a bad reaction from using nitrous oxide whip its.

Okay so what I’m driving at folks is that we have let this whole Demi-Moore-is-still-famous thing go to far. Not only is this poor woman now crazy, gaunt and just generally out of control, but she’s a 49-year-old woman using whip its. Whip its are for 16 year olds in a Diary Queen parking lot—if she wasn’t totally insane she would have abused cocaine or meds. This was a cry for help if nothing else.

I mean, yes I know going to rehab for Whip Its sounds insane, but is it any crazier than the image of a former A list movie star using a drug that is literally one step above sniffing glue? Let’s just let this poor woman be.

-Jonah Hill got nominated for Best Supporting Actor! Although it was for his work in Moneyball and not The Sitter, which I think myself and all fans of movies about foul-mouthed 8-year-olds think is APPALLING.

-Speaking of weird comedians getting Oscar nods, I cant believe Kristen Wiig got a nomination for best original screenplay! I mean I can, that movie was pretty funny, I just dread the future ads for her next straight from SNL bomb which will go something like this: “From Academy Award nominatee Kristen Wiig comes Gilly: The Movie.“

-The Best Actress race is pretty wide open with a lot of potential winners. I for one would like to see this settled with a jailhouse-style shiv fight between Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.

-Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close got a best picture nomination? That movie is supposed to be Extremely Terrible and Incredibly Insulting. There wasn’t an Adam Sandler movie that deserved that spot?

-A film called Undefeated was nominated for Best Documentary. Sadly, it’s a film about high school sports and not the Sarah Palin propoganda piece about her being undeafeated in her 2008 presidential, er, defeat. Liberal Hollywood! I curse you!

I’ll see you all at the Awards on February 26th: I assure you I’ll be blogging. Hammered. In a sequined gown.

In this blog’s first piece of non-Newt Gingrich related information in a week…

The ABC News Medical Unit is reporting (side note: I’m glad that their Medical team is covering this story, as I have always suspected that being a dirty hipster is akin to having lupus or gout) a breakthrough in the study of subcultures, as a team at Harvard University has completed the world’s first study of the social logic of Hipsters. After following 200 college students for four years on facebook (so many blurry instagram photos, so little time), researchers found that those students identified as “hipsters” placed greater emphasis on “being the only one in (their) social circle to express” a preference for something like a band or a movie. Researchers told ABC News “It’s not just about liking the band, but showing your peers that you’re hip, in the know, and socially distinct.”

As this is the first major academic study of hipster social codes, let me weigh in with some peer-review criticism: first of all, how Asbergersy is everyone at Harvard that they need to do studies like this? Secondly, is Harvard, which has produced such uber-hipsters as Sen. Carl Levin, Norman Mailer and Janet Reno, really the appropriate place to study hipsters? Clearly this is a job that is better suited for such institutions as Bard or the New School. Finally, I’m not sure it’s possible to do a decent scientific study of hipsters, as science is SOOOO just, like, corporate you know? How about the science of life?

I dunno man, this study just isn’t as cool as Harvard’s earlier work.

The cosmos: where no ex-wife can touch you.

Yes it seems after trouncing Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and the Keebler Elves’ weird apocalyptic uncle in the South Carolina primary on Saturday night, Newt Gingrich is planning to seize on his newfound momentum by, as he puts it, “giving a speech — a visionary speech — on the United States going back into space in the John F. Kennedy tradition.” This astro-speech will be given in the next primary state, Florida, and as we all know it is a dream of all Florida Republicans to brutally conquer the moon.

It’s nice to see that one little victory hasn’t gone to Gingrich’s head to the extent that he now considers himself the Emperor of the Galaxy. Oh wait…

PS-On a personal note, all of us here at EPM would like to thank the voters of South Carolina for ensuring that this race stays at least minorly interesting. God bless you, swamp folk.

Okay, everyone in South Carolina stop what you are doing! The primary election tomorrow is unneeded as Newt Gingrich has just scored the ULTIMATE celebrity endorsement.

Chuck Norris has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. It’s a shame we really have a democracy at all: for you see if Chuck Norris had been alive during the Constitutional Convention, I’m pretty sure that republican democracy would have been scrapped in favor of Chuck Norris karate chopping candidates until he found one manly enough to be President. Thankfully, because Newt Gingrich’s insides are made of lechery-flavored jello (it’s still better than lime!), Gingrich won Norris’ endorsement.

Such news! I guess that would explain why all those church bells started ringing…and bald eagles burst into singing a perfect rendition of “Proud to be an American”.

Yikes, if I didn’t think everyone would stop reading this blog en masse I could post like 100 articles today about those Republicans and their contest to become the next Miss Teen USA!

But let’s start from the top: Rick Perry has dropped his wacky bid for President where I guess he ran as one of the Texas retards that George Bush loved to execute. I’m not sure how serious he was anyway, but this end is pretty ignominious for someone who made such a splash when he entered the race. If however it turns out the campaign was a piece of post-modern art exploring the alienation of the petty bourgeoisie in the post-industrial era, bravo Rick! Someone get this man NEA funding…and then make him happy by shutting down the NEA.

Next, a perhaps more alarmingly, Rick Santorum has been certified the winner of the Iowa Caucus by just 34 votes, robbing Romney of the W. If this doesn’t prove what I said earlier about Iowa being a weird national joke (like the tabloids celebrating Ryan Seacrest’s relationship with some girl), I don’t know what will. Congratulations I guess? He both won Iowa and is the only Rick left in the race.

Newt Gingrich, that megalomaniacal lump of mashed potatoes, has started to surge in South Carolina! I wish him well. Too bad his ex-wife Marianne doesn’t: she’ll appear on ABC News tonight to talk about how Newt wanted “an open marriage” and how he both was fucking around on her as he was impeaching Bill Clinton and divorced Marianne as soon as she found out she had MS. I’m sorry I called you a lump of mashed potatoes Newt: you are in fact a lump of shit. That was unfair to potatoes.

Phew! What a day. I hope all this news doesn’t make Jon Stewart explode: he’s the Frederick Douglas of short men.

Anyway, the WSJ has a story about Gingrich’s time as a history professor at West Georgia College. Interestingly enough, “A year into his first full-time teaching job, Newt Gingrich applied to be college president.” Newt also once “coordinated the school’s fledgling environmental-studies department”. The environmental studies? Those are the worst kind!

Okay, the article wasn’t that bad. But they did feature a delightful image of Gingrich in 1973 looking EXACTLY like Dwight Schrute from The Office. Check it out below:

Isn’t that crazy? If beets weren’t red (the color of socialist fascist islamist atheism), I’d dare say Newt and Dwight were the same person. I suppose this makes Mitt Romney, who can’t help but torment his hapless rival, Jim Halpert?

The Internet is broken today! Or rather a lot of websites are protesting an anti-Internet piracy bill before the Congress called SOPA. The bill, which is pretty darn draconian, has led some of the country’s premier websites (well, non-porn websites) to publically protest. This has ruined my life.

Oh sure, Google’s nod to censorship is all well and good, but Wikipedia has shut down for the day. Do you know what that has done to my work ethic? I spent 20 minutes at work yesterday reading Wikipedia articles about the two largest Canadian Arctic islands. What am I supposed to do now? Not learn about the geography of Nunavut and do my work? That’s some bullshit right there.

And what business does the Congress have regulating the Internet anyway? 80% of Congress is so old and out of it that they’d be lucky to have a Compuserv account, and the other 20% is busy tweeting cock pix/posting Craigslist ads for Tranny masseuses. I mean, I’m all for copyright protection, but to a certain degree I think the industry producing the material may be responsible for protecting their goods—the law can punish those who break into your house, but if you don’t properly lock your door you bare a level of responsibility, too. All this suggests that the internet may just have too many shades of grey, too many crazy different uses to be legislated so broadly and by people who are pretty fucking clueless.

So please, make a stink about SOPA to your friends and Congresspeople so that I may have my beloved Wikipedia back. Seriously I’m going into withdrawl here…

Like a poor old dog that can’t make it up the stairs anymore (although in this case the pup was never particularly healthy to begin with), Jon Huntsman has ended his campaign for the Republican nomination. Romney is officially the only candidate left who I wouldn’t be terrified if they were in control of our nuclear launch codes. That sucks.

Indeed, as many people have likened this race to a shitty Reality TV show (Herman Cain is sooooo the Danielle Staub of the bunch isn’t he?) Hunstman’s non-bombshell leads us to one inescapable conclusion: Mitt Romney is the Kelly Clarkson of this race. By patiently waiting for his other lesser competitors to flame out (remember Rick Perry in the ballad episode singing “The Power of Love”? Dreadful), these competant, minorly affable and totally unexciting people made it to the top.

The difference between Clarkson and Romney is huge though: she went to to sing some amazing pop music thanks entirely to Swedish pop-juggernaut Max Martin and the killer jams he produced for her. Mitt Romney doesn’t have that: he rocks as hard as, say, his fellow Mormon’s the Osmonds. And not popular 1970s Donny and Marie, bloated botoxed 2010s Donny and Marie.

So there you have it, folks: Mitt Romney is the Kelly Clarkson of this presidential election cycle and Ambien is likely to lose millions of dollars as America cruises snoozes through November…