The ol’ hurricane name game

While a weekend hurricane may screw up your plans, it is a god sent for Cable News, as nothing fills those long stretches on Sunday afternoon like some good roof-tiles-blowing-around footage.

But wait! Hurricane Irene, which is presently chugging its way up the Atlantic coast, might become a really scary storm, as some models have it slamming directly into New York City. How will people in Williamsburg have their ubiquitous roof parties if they have no roofs??

Anyway, when such a dangerous storm is barreling down on you, it makes you wonder why such a scary storm is named “Irene”. What is she your grandmother’s bridge partner? That’s a terrible way to convey the danger of this storm: You need new, interesting and hip names to put the fear of Jesus into people. That said, here are a list of recomendations for new eye-catching Hurricane names:

Hurricane Bella/Edward/Justin Bieber—For the tweens

Hurricane Theo/Josephine—For hipster parents. Don’t get that organic baby bjorn wet now! It’s made of mulch.

Hurricane Olivia/Lily/Liza—My two daddies are terrified of hurricanes (my two mommies aren’t)

Hurricane Juan/Maria—America is becomng increasingly hispanic, so our hurricanes should be too (is that racist to name a hurricane something hispanic? Ya know, because it brings death and destruction from the South?)

Hurricane Apple/Denim/Pilot Inspektor—Wacky celebrity baby names would finally allow Us Weekly to cover natural disasters

Hurricane Aragorn/Gandalf/Saruman—Nerds are effected by hurricanes as well

Hurricane Slavoj Zizek/Roland Barthes/Max Weber—If we don’t understand the semiotics of storms how can we ever really fear them properly?

Are you listening NOAA? Or do we have to cut your budget some more?